Feedin' Them Birds

© 5/13/1997

      Birdologists (those who study feathered movement like the one shown to the right) are always telling us some great things about birds. One of the truly odd and stunning thoughts that these wise guys have said is that birds need to eat food to stay alive (gosh, it's great to have wise guys around). It is food, in fact, that allows them to proliferate and make morning noise (defined as noise above the normal din of car traffic that you can hear because you are awake anyway due to the police helicopter).

       When feeding birds, it is important to remember that they do not eat Whoppers. Whopperologists (the most famous of which is shown in the picture on the left) will tell you that it has something to do with the aerodynamics of hamburger buns, though there is debate in Whopperologist circles (gee, these ologist guys are smart). Anyway, what you have to do is create bird food. Cats like cat food; dogs like dog food; babies like baby food; giants like giant food. In an anticipated development, birds seem to like bird food.

Go figure.

Seed-eating birds like food with seeds in it. Unfortunately, seeds have a tendency to blow in the wind (just like answers, I suppose). What we have to do is weight it down so nothing short of a hurricane can move it. The best way to weight seeds is to mix them with animal fat such as suet, bacon drippings, or McDonalds french fries. This creates a substance known as Yuck.

Yuck, when mixed correctly, weighs more than Yuck that has been mixed incorrectly. The weight of the Yuck is great; so great is the weight of Yuck that most people find it too heavy to lift. This is why most Yuck just lies there, usually on the couch, and keeps changing the channels with the remote.

Birds, however, find Yuck delightful. They eat Yuck as though it were the last Yuck that they were ever going to eat. It makes them fat and happy. The purer the grease that is added, the heavier the Yuck will be. The heavier the Yuck, the happier the bird. The happier the bird is, the less damage they do to the car by dropping...uh...you know, little bombs on it (YUCK!).

Adding pure grease (much like is used in the Whopper) will create the best Yuck and the happiest and fattest birds you have ever seen. And every morning, you will hear them over the police helicopter, telling you how happy they are!

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